(Originally posted 22.09.23)
Hiya,So, for those of you who don't know me, I'm a first-year student in the UK, who chose to become an established woman in STEM! and figured I'd share a little glimpse into my journey at uni so far.not for advice and honestly not even wanting advice, this is going to be more of a vent post, so if you're interested, keep reading.
So I chose to go to a city uni because I thought it would have better opportunities to meet more different people (which is true) and just be a better chance of really experiencing living alone and so far (day 6) I'm not having the best time. It's funny because I'm not scared about being in a new town or anything like that, I'm more upset because I haven't made any genuine connections yet. I feel like everyones last choice and don't get me wrong I can be patient, my only problem is the further on we go, the more tight nit friend groups will be and the harder it will be to introduce myself. I know that I am putting too much pressure on things, it's just that I had this idea that since there are so many new people I was bound to find someone for me soon and since that hasn't happened yet, (I know it's silly) but I'm just scared I never will. I've been going outside of my comfort zone a lot. It's the advice everyone gives, try new things to meet new people and so far it feels like my actions are still yet to be rewarded. I sound entitled, I know no one owes my anything and I don't deserve anything but it just feels like statistically speaking I should have met more people I like.
One thing that's hit me hard is this newfound wanting for some entertainment! Give me a relationship, situationship, really just anything to add to the plot. It's been a long time since I've felt shame for my sexuality but for some reason being at big parties full of black people is where it hits me. I think its because not EVERYONE is open about their sexuality, it feels sometimes like you're the odd one out in a room and I start to beat myself up a little about being different. I know it's kinda crazy considering I live in a big city with loads of PRIDE and queer folk, I honestly don't even know where it came from myself. I doubt I'll ever 'come out' but they can probably already tell lol.
On a positive note, I've finally rekindled my love for reading, and I've thoroughly enjoyed that. Honestly, I find so much comfort in being alone in my room or going for aimless walks. Anyway that's all my thoughts, tbh all I want is one gay friend who reads, that will fill all my needs. I'm probably not going to publish this, it spreads too much of my business, but it was very cathartic writing.