hellooo! idk what to say guys but this one will be personal and a lot of my own opinions and uncertainty about myself, I'm sharing this just as an outlet for my feelings, instead of to give advice. so if you're interested... keep reading.
why are you gay
finally the real questions. sexuality wise I'm unlabelled, but have bisexual tendencies and even when I tell people I don't use a label they just assume I'm bi, and are they wrong? this is the problem... I don't know. it may seem easy, you like guys, you like girls, you're bisexual! buttt what does "like" really mean. are we talking personality?, looks? energy? everyone makes it seem so easy. there have been month long spans in my life when I'm not attracted to a particular gender and feel so strongly in that and it's hard for me to reconcile that I'm bisexual if I don't even actually like both. However, at the moment I'm attracted to both, BUT men are making me sick with their disgusting personalities, manipulation and lack of empathy!
sooo... just choose to be gay
now I know it might sound absurd of me, as if I can "choose" my sexuality, because I know how problematic that is in a lot of ways. So its not that i'm choosing to be into women only, instead, I am choosing to finally accept it when men show me who they are and just protect myself from their antics in general. Because if I'm saying the quiet part out loud, all I like men for is their validation...why is everybody booing I'm right! therefore I believe I am just truly listening to my heart by avoiding men.
no don't get it twisted women are crazy too
I don't want anyone to be confused, I don't think women are the easy way out and I am not the same as those straight women saying "oh I wish I was into girls it would be so easy!" this is not my perspective at all. I will equally lose my mind by being with a woman, howeverrr there will be less (hopefully) gaslighting and manipulation and ego and lies. men make me feel crazy, women make me feel guilty. both bad but I'll pick guilty any day.
where do we go from here
the ways in which this will change my everyday life, since I get no male attention anyway, is that I will stop thinking/ making up fantasies with random men I don't care about. currently, if I see an attractive man and he doesn't smile at me... oh no that's so lame wow onto the next man, I hope he smiles instead. But now if I see an attractive man I will not let it affect my thoughts because I don't want to give a man anything! In the past I''ve wanted THEM to validate me, THEM to make me feel wanted and THEM to make me feel lovable. But if I don't want them or love them... why the fuck are we here?! I am basically doing a cleanse of most men and hopefully in a year or so, I'll be able to heal my need for validation from men so I can actually understand if I like men, irregardless of what they can give me.
what a beautiful note to end on, if you relate to this post then rest in peace. I had a lot of fun writing this one and honestly don't take it too seriously haha. but I feel great and feel like I have learned even more about myself, so hopefully I you read this far you learned something about yourself too. love you and have a good day!